Life as Cerys

  Whilst Christmas brings enjoyment, excitement, indulgence and treats for many, Christmas to me has always brought an element of anxiety and significant self-criticism. This post is to help myself, and hopefully others, understand the complex experience myself and others with mental health problems and/or eating disorders can go through at Christmas My combined issues of Bipolar and Bulimia means that I have a rollercoaster of an experience every festive season. Christmas is one particular time of year that has a tendency to trigger a manic episode - or at least hypo-mania - due to the excitement that Christmas brings. I would probably explain the mania at Christmas as an enhanced version of how I felt as a child on Christmas day but prolonged for weeks on end and often detrimental to my mental and physical health. This year feels a little bit different with Covid and the tier restrictions we are facing. My feelings towards Christmas 2020 are less hypomania in the sense of happiness,

Sharing body positive drawings, doodles, articles and posts does not make me positive towards my own body. Being ‘body positive’ has not aided me in finding any solace or comfort in my own shell, but instead I seem to encourage others to love themselves as though it is going to miraculously make  me  love myself.  Every day I thank my body for sustaining me, especially in recent weeks and months, but yet I still refuse to stand and look at myself in the mirror. I can’t actually remember the last time I went into a shop, tried on an item of clothing, and left the changing room with a smile on my face to buy the item. However, I do remember the years of standing in a changing room, an ill-fitting dress squeezing or hanging off my body, my eyes blurred with tears as I whimpered back to my mum that it ‘just doesn’t look right on me.’ After years of truly detesting myself and punishing my body for its natural fluctuations, I decided it was time to become ‘body positive’. Yet here