Life at My Pace

28/06/22 Edit:

Whilst this is no longer my current life situation, having dropped out of my Masters - something which I still struggle with accepting - this blog post, as it is my first, is still important. The message still remains: that I am forever learning how to live life at my own pace. I think this is especially important to keep as a post after my recent blog with Rethink Mental Illness discusses finally trying to come to terms with my 'success' and timeline being different to others.

If you had told me in 2019 that I would have have made the conscious decision to leave paid employment to focus on my mental stability, wellbeing and recovery, I probably wouldn't have been surprised. But at the time, when I chose to start a Masters and continue to pursue a career that wasn't suitable for my wellbeing, you couldn't have told me otherwise. I guess there is nowhere better to start than with some reflection, even if it means you have to look back at your mistakes.

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Having recently graduated from Durham University, I have found myself suddenly overwhelmed with the pressure to get on a 'graduate scheme'. For most people, getting on a grad scheme is the definition of success, however, I am still coming to terms with taking life at my own pace rather than trying to define myself by other people's standards of success.

I keep finding myself in a position that I quite often put myself in - feeling like a failure because I'm not 'keeping up' with the pace other people are living their lives' at. Rather than congratulating a friend on an interview or being offered a grad job, I find myself resenting their success, and subsequently myself, for not being as good as them. Deep down, I know that it is sometimes not possible for me to live my life at the same pace as others, but it doesn't stop that lingering feeling that I am a disappointment and not fulfilling my true potential. Unfortunately, I'm not about to tell you the ways in which you can stop feeling this internalised frustration at your lack of success, but I am going to tell you some things I keep reminding myself when I begin spiralling just because people close to me are 'succeeding'.

First of all, if you are living with a debilitating mental illness, other people are not judging you for taking life at your own pace. The amount of times I have sat in floods of tears with my mum telling her that I'm a failure and that I'll 'never succeed' is probably ridiculous. However, I am lucky enough to have a mum who will sit there and logically explain that taking life at my own pace does not mean I am not succeeding, and instead, she will spell out the little successes I have each day, like finally washing my clothes. In context, I recently got rejected from an internship that I really wanted. Naturally, because I'm a very sensitive soul, I cried for most of the day following the rejection email claiming that if that company didn't want me, then nobody else would. But when the dark web of negative thoughts started to part later that day, I sat down at my desk and wrote down things that I had recently achieved. Sure, I hadn't got the position that I really wanted, but my small list had some small successes:

1. 6 months nicotine free 
2. 4 months alcohol free
3. Recently accepted onto a part-time Masters
4. Not self-harmed for nearly a year
5. Learninghow to balance my medication

As such, my dismay at being rejected did not mean I am not succeeding, instead, it means that my life needs to take a different path. Yes, that company did not want me. However, another one will, and the one that does want me will be the one that accepts me for who I really am. I know for a fact that when I post this first blog post my parents will be worried that admitting I have Bipolar by posting it all over the internet will mean that I never get a job. Well, I have finally come to terms with the fact that if a company cannot be prepared to understand my mental health, they are not the company that I am prepared to work for. My Bipolar does not define me, it is simply a part of me. If someone, whether that an employer or a friend, is not willing to understand who I am behind the label of 'bipolar', then they are not a positive part of my journey.

To me, success no longer means getting a First at Durham, getting a grad job, and moving to London. Because the reality is: these things are not my route to success. My personal route to success is learning to live with a disorder that warps my view of myself, but also makes me Cerys. My success is understanding that a Masters on a part-time basis is the way for me, as an individual, to begin my steady attempt at a career whilst ensuring my mental health is appropriately catered to. My part-time studies will mean that I have the opportunity to pursue a part-time job, volunteer in the local community, and walk Betsy. Your individual interpretation of success is only for you to judge. Anyone who feels the need to pass judgment on your success is someone who is feeling the pressure to live their life the way others expect them to, so don't take their opinion to heart.

So congratulations to anyone I know who is managing to complete their own route to success - I genuinely wish you the best of luck! I'm sure our different paths to 'success' will continue to intertwine, but I needed to write this post to remind myself that I am succeeding in my own little way, with my mental health always in the forefront of my mind.